I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I need to stop coming to work sober
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
