hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
