New invention idea: vibrating tampons
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
