I like my sex mixed with concussions.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
