Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
