wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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