you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
