I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
