i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
