I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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