This girl is more easily done than said...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
