You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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