captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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