I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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