Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
