No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
