There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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