I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I would fuck him just for his dog
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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