What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
