I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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