I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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