Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
