my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
