maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
