How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
