did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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