I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
