It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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