Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Nobody cheats on THIS.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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