How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I wish you could order shots online.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
