Jerry, you need to find god
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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