Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
