goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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