evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
