I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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