I wish I could punch you in the face.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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