Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
