I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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