I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
