i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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