I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
