I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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