I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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