ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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