I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
