Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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