my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
