forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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