upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
