Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
