Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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