He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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